


No Time

by alive_polish_fan



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Character Death, Character Study, Grief/Mourning, Hurt Dean Winchester, Loss, M/M, Season/Series 15, author doesn't care, post-episode s15e18
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-06
Updated: 2020-11-06
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:00:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27411595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alive_polish_fan/pseuds/alive_polish_fan
Summary: Right after the end of S15E18 "Despair".Dean's left alone by the Bunker's wall.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 9
Kudos: 156





	No Time

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Szczuropies](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Szczuropies/gifts).



> It's 4 am here.  
> We all know what happened.  
> It's just something I had to get out of my system. 
> 
> I will work on the font and the mistakes probably after I recover from We-All-Know-What. Which is never, probably. Tags may change.
> 
> Dean's grieving, so am I.

His phone was buzzing. He refused to hear it. Tossed aside it kept filling Dean’s head with its sound. He wished it would just stop. Reason tried to tell him it’s Sam, it’s something important, he has to check in. He refused to hear it as well.

He had no time. No time to react. No time to process.

_I love you, Dean._

Like on some twisted loop, it kept ringing in his head as well, louder and louder with each second.

His shoulder was itching. It shouldn’t. Cas’ hand was there for merely a second, before he pushed him aside. To keep _him_ safe. To make sure _he will be safe_. There was a bloody handprint on it, identical to the one burned into his skin so many years ago. He refused to look at it. He refused that as well.

He wished he would refuse everything. Apart from the loud sobs filling the room with an echo, and the tears rolling down his cheeks. He let them be.

He had no time to process nor to react. And now Cas was just _gone_.

_I love you, Dean._

How is that fair, he thought to himself, guilt hitting him from every direction. He was too broken for anger.

_How is that fair that he sacrificed himself for me? How is that fair that I couldn’t even say anything?_

_Don’t do this._ It was all he could have formed out then. And he hated himself for it.

_Regret_. He should have said _something_ , perhaps he could have. But what would that be? He didn’t know. The answer blank in his mind was still empty and he hated himself for that, too.

_I love you, Dean._

How does one even react to such words? It was too much. He banged the back of his head against the wall, shutting his eyes. His fists clenched, his whole body shaking as he couldn’t stop crying.

_My best friend. The one I’ve never said sorry to. Who rebelled for me. Who always came when I called. Who betrayed me and worked his ass of to repay it. ’The Winchesters’ Guardian’. An angel of the son of a bitch God. My angel._

“He’s gone.”, he said out loud, feeling the pain in his chest immediately.

_Despair_. His mind was racing. _There must be something we can do. There must be a way to bring him back, to- to reach him. I need to tell him. I need to tell him-_

_Tell him what?_

If he could. If he had the time. And he would probably need a while. Learning about _The Deal_ , then hearing all this _confession_ , and the tears and the _smile_ and- It was too much.

_I love you, Dean._

He refused it. He refused all of it, because he couldn’t process it. What was the point anyway? Cas was gone. Dead. Forever asleep in the Empty.

“Screw you. Screw all of you!”, he cried to deaf and cold walls surrounding him.

He blamed himself, he blamed Chuck, he blamed the Empty. He couldn’t blame Cas.

He couldn’t even think about him right now.

“I’m sorry, Cas. I’m _so sorry_ …”, he cried again. And again, no answer, just his voice.

He hid his head between his knees, covering himself with his arms, hands grabbing at his hair, sending jolts of pain through his skull’s skin.

“I- I wish I could just- If I-”, he whispered within himself, so that nothing could hear. When did he start rocking back and forth, he didn’t know. Didn’t even notice.

_I love you, Dean._

He inhaled sharply, feeling pain all over and within his chest. “ _I love you, too_.”, another whisper came out before yet another wave of tears came and he was crying like a baby, loud and shameless, carelessly inside the empty Bunker, wetting the floor, himself, his nose leaking.

His phone stopped buzzing. He didn’t notice.


End file.
